This is the year 2011.
This is the Western world.
… whatever you might spontaneously associate with this world that we live in (tolerant? liberal? open-minded? modern? enlightened? informed?), it also seems to be the world where young people still (or again?) find it difficult to come to terms with homosexuality, their own or others’.
Many adults are utterly shocked at the intolerance and narrow-mindedness among far too many young people confronted with homosexuality. It makes you wonder whether the worldwide civil rights movements of the 1960s were only meant to be of short-term effect. It makes you wonder about a lot of things.
And it made me want to deal with this topic with my 2eL pupils in detail. Amongst others, they wrote about “Coming out” in a free writing task, each approaching the topic individually, or as creative writing or as a comment. I felt great relief when I read what they had to say about the topic; it made me realize that only a few moments of reflection (reflection!) can do you the world of good …
Enough from me, please take a moment to read what our pupils came up with. It’s absolutely worth it!
Julia Hawke-Pasterkamp
The first one is a letter from a son to his father:
Dear Dad,
I’m very sad because we haven’t talked for ages, and I need to commit my suffering to someone.
Everything started about two years ago. I was lonely. You know that I never was a socially acceptable person. I always knew that I am different and it’s difficult for me to find somebody who accepts me the way I am.
But one day, I met two guys whom I really liked. One of them, Will, was a bit older than me, Rick was two years younger. Even though he was so young, Rick was very mature. The three of us trusted each other. We partied, had a lot of fun and enjoyed life.
Unfortunately, our friendship approached a crisis; around that time, Will became a role model for me – we got along very well. I could talk to him about themes that Rick wouldn’t understand… And then I fell in love with Will. That fact was a shock to me, because I had no idea how to behave towards him. However, the closeness to him was wonderful for me. We had no sexual contact, just one moment full of joy, the happiest in my whole life, when we were sitting on the sofa once, under a bedspread, snuggled together. I hoped that this moment would never end.
I was petrified of loosing Will and jealous when Rick wanted to go out with us again. Will was O.K. with Rick coming back, and they started to spend more time together. Because of jealousy and fear, I abused their trust to incite them on each other. This is the most egoistic and the most terrible thing I have ever done in my entire life. I still regret it, and I’ll probably do so forever. A couple of weeks later, Will and Rick found out and wanted no truck with me. How ironic; I tried so hard to save my friendship to Will, and now I had destroyed it for good.
Nothing was important to me anymore. My life seemed to be useless. Although I wanted to tell Will about my feelings, the sense of shame overcame me. I was afraid that he would tell it to anyone; everybody would call me “the gay small town boy”. That’s why I decided to keep my pain a secret.
So here I am, two years later, still regretting the awful mistake I made. Still full of passion, I think of Will every day. The pain tortures me and I don’t see any way out of my torment.
I often wish to be dead.
Love,
Your son
This one is a short story:
The flood lights were blinding me and the music was too loud. All these unknown faces around me made me feel small in this big crowd. But my eyes were searching for someone else. The air stank and the room was stuffy. I needed to breathe fresh cold air and talk to her. I had to. My heart was beating faster when suddenly a voice started to call my name:”Lisa!” I didn´t have to look at this person, I knew her voice like my own. It was her. A hand caught my T-shirt and tore at it.”He, Liz.” My whole body was prickling and my hands sweating. I turned around, and asked:”Could we get out of here and have a walk?” She nodded and smiled her wonderful smile. Did she know what was wrong with me? Did she know what I felt? Confused and uncertain about what was going to happen next, I went out, trying to ignore the song in the background, “I kissed a girl” by Katy Perry. What a stupid coincidence… But I didn´t know this, not yet.
Her lips were warm and soft, it was the best feeling I have ever had: love.
Pure, real love flowed through my veins. But this feeling lasted a very short time: she slapped me. “What the hell are you doing?!” she screamed furiously, “Are you gay?!” I couldn´t answer, my mouth was sealed. I couldn´t move, my body was just paralyzed. The only thing I could do was looking into her tearful eyes and wait. She wasn´t able to understand and would never try to understand: it was the end of our friendship. And I was at fault, me, my “wrong” sexual orientation.I put myself off, attempted to avoid this „bad love”. I tried to kick it out of my body, my broken heart. I thought that I was going to become crazy and get into a deep depression. I couldn´t talk to anybody, I was alone.
But deep inside, a voice whispered something. Always the same words and I knew this voice was right. I knew that I would never regret this kiss, because it made me feel the best feeling I have ever had. This particular feeling had jumped out of my soul. The sensation of freedom made my heart glow and I began to understand: My real ME had come out.
And here’s a comment:
Why is coming out so difficult?
In the last ten, maybe twenty years, homosexuals have gained a wider amount of acceptance by society. There are openly gay actors and actresses, openly gay characters on television, openly gay celebrities and more…
But even with all this progress we’ve made, most gays and lesbians still find their coming out is one of the most difficult times of their lives. Why is it still so hard to come out of the closet? First, it is not easy for gays and lesbians to be different from the others. Being gay is not “the norm” in our society. From a young age, kids are taught to look down upon things that are different; there is a lot of influence at school, among their peers. Boys don’t take ballet class or wear dresses. Young people are often mocked for their differences. I think another point for the difficulty of coming out is the fact that many people are viewing gays as “people of less value”.
Gays are fighting for equal rights: the right to marry, the right to adopt… A very appropriate example is New Jerseys ex-governor Jim McGreevey: he announced that he was homosexual, but instead of staying in office and being the first openly gay governor in the U.S. he resigned from his post. I think it’s a shame that someone can’t be gay and, at the same time, be the governor of New Jersey. In my opinion by resigning from his post, whether he intended or not, Mr. McGreevey sent the message that he feels being gay is somehow unsuitable.
My last point is the pressure from the parents. Parents don’t plan to have gay children. Even if parents are liberal-minded and open, they don’t imagine that their kid(s) would be gay when they are born. Of course there is nothing wrong with being gay, but often parents have certain expectations about what life experiences they will have with their children. They imagine weddings and birthday parties for their grandchildren. They don’t expect commitment ceremonies and gay adoption. Most parents accept their gay children once they have come out, but there is still the fear that by coming out gays will disappoint their parents forever.
Conclusion: These are just some of the points which I think gay people are most afraid of. There will always be people not accepting gays, but I think society is on the right way.
And a dialogue:
Coming out…
Jonathan comes home after school and sits down on the couch in the living room, next to his father.
JONATHAN: Hey Dad!
DAD: Hello! How was school?
JONATHAN: As usual. Listen, I need to tell you something that’s been on my mind for a while now.
DAD: Sure! What is it? Nothing bad I hope…
JONATHAN; That, I will be finding out in a minute…
DAD: Come on! Don’t act so secretive!
JONATHAN: Okay. Fine. I’m in love.
DAD: Great! What’s the problem? I mean, you’re sixteen now, so there’s nothing bad about falling in love! What does she look like?
JONATHAN; Tall, about 5’11 », brown hair, blue eyes, …
DAD: Wow! You lucky boy! What does she like? Dancing? Singing? Acting?
JONATHAN: Football.
DAD: Well, that’s …euhm…interesting.
JONATHAN: And she kind of likes wide pants too…
DAD: Okay… Do I know her?
JONATHAN: Yes, you know him.
DAD: Whom? Her father, her brother?
JONATHAN: You do know Will, right?
DAD: Sure, he’s such a nice boy… But what has he got to do with your »dearest beloved »
JONATHAN: Well, she is him.
DAD: Will is your boyfr… boyfr… boyfr…
JONATHAN: Boyfriend? That’s what you are trying to say, right? If this is the case, then the answer is yes.
DAD: But, are you sure?
JONATHAN: Since we have been going out for about three months now, I am pretty sure, yup.
DAD: Well, I don’t know what to say. You should tell your mother. I’ll see you at dinner, Jonathan.
JONATHAN: But Dad! You can’t just leave me like that! You don’t hate me, do you?
DAD: See you at dinner. We’ll talk about it later, when I will have digested it. My son is gay… What did I do wrong…?
While Dad is leaving, Jonathan stays on the sofa and cries…
And this one is a very personal comment:
<<Are you gay? >> I have often been confronted with this question. I have always answered: <<No, I’m not!!>> But if I have to tell the truth I’m not sure. I don’t know if I am homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual. I don’t know and I’m confused.
I know that many people think that I am gay because I kiss my friends (no matter if they are boy or girl). For me it is normal, because in my family we show our love and appreciation to this way. I often go to my father’s room and kiss my dad, without a reason. I only want to show him that I love him.
I give every person who is important for me a hug. My thoughts are that if I am going to die because I was hit by a car, all these persons would know that they played an important role in my life.
When I like someone I want to protect him. But I also have the feeling that he is mine. I do not like to share.
I hold hands with my friends. No matter where we are. For me it is a form of physical contact.
I will give an example:
When M. is close to me I feel like I am complete. She is the other part of me. People often look strange at us, when I walk through the city with my best friend M. and I hear: << Look, two lesbians. >>
What scares me is that I am not sure that these feelings are feelings for a friend or a sister. Could it be love, like a lesbian? I do not want to have those feelings. I think that I am more afraid to investigate my feelings than to confess it. I want to be “normal”.
I want to go out with boys and not to catch irritated looks because I kiss a girl. My only thought is: What can I do about it? I do not think that homosexuals are horrible or something like that. I am just scared by the idea that I could be gay. If one of my friends would have his coming-out I would shake his hands and say: <<I am so glad that you had the courage to confess it. It’s cool. >>
What generates many questions about this theme is the fact that I have never fallen in love. I have never had a boyfriend or made sexual experiences. So I can’t comprehend my feelings and say: this is real love or this is just love as a friend. Even my sister has already made more experiences than me. Or am I just a late starter?
I try to imagine myself in the situation of being gay: if I would have my coming-out, I guess my parents would say that they love me just the way I am, but what would my friends say? May be the same? Maybe they would offend me. But the most important thing: Could I live with my identity?
All these thoughts are turning in my head. The more I try to deal with this theme, the more I become insecure.